Memories of Amy.... a tale of friendship & loss

2011-06-15T21:00:00.001-07:00

If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.”

Winnie the Pooh quotes

2010-05-06T19:21:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday dear friend......There isn't a moment that I don't miss you. You were truly the best.....and you will be forever in my heart! I love you !

2010-03-23T14:28:00.001-07:00

I miss you my Amy......

2010-02-20T15:49:00.001-08:00

"Like a bird singing in the rain, let grateful memories survive in time of sorrow." ~Robert Louis Stevenson

2010-02-20T15:46:00.001-08:00

"It ain't fair you died too young, Like a story that had just begun, but death tore the pages all away, God knows how I miss you, All the hell that I've been through Just knowing no one could take your place... Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today..." ~Kenny Chesney

2010-01-12T12:23:00.000-08:00

Happy Bithday Liz !

Today you turn 17...wow...i feel old. You are a beautiful young lady.....and I wish I could be more involved in your life. Please know I am always here for you. We are all so proud of you ! Hope you have a great day ! I love you !

2009-09-20T18:38:00.000-07:00

We call that person who has lost his father, an orphan; and a widower that man who has lost his wife. But that man who has known the immense unhappiness of losing a friend, by what name do we call him? Here every language is silent and holds its peace in impotence.
Joseph Roux

2009-06-06T15:42:00.000-07:00

I would give anything to talk to her again....I miss her so much..what I wouldnt give for a time machine....

2009-04-21T21:40:00.000-07:00

Thirty-four years ago my life changed forever......I wish I would have told her more often....exactly how much she meant to me. But now I will never have that chance, I miss her more than words can say....

2008-12-27T13:40:00.000-08:00

How long will my prayers seem unanswered?
Is there still faith in me to reach the end?
I'm feeling doubt I'm losing faith
But giving up would cost me everything
So I'll stand in the pain and silence
And I'll speak to the dark night

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe

Though I can't see my stories ending
That doesn't mean the dark night has no end
It's only here that I find faith
And learn to trust the one who writes my days
So I'll stand in the pain and silence
And I'll speak to the dark night

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe
No dark can consume Light
No death greater than this life
We are not forgotten
Hope is found when we say
Even when He is silent

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe.

This year has been almost as hard as the year I lost Amy....I would give anything to have her here.....I miss her every minute....

Just for me.....

2008-07-30T22:18:00.000-07:00

I have had a rough few months....personal problems....and as I sat feeling sorry for myself..thinking "why doesn't anyone love me for just me??" Amy's voice rang loud and clear in my head "what am I chopped liver?"

Amy's house was always an escape for me....I could go there and just be...i didn't have to worry about what I might get in trouble for...or if my parents were fighting.....I could go to Amy's and just be....a kid. She always loved me for who I was ...not what I could or would do for her...or what I could bring to the relationship...she just enjoyed me....she was the one with the toys....the one with the movie tickets...or Disneyland tickets.....I would give up anything to have her back....I would give back every gift, toy, movie......anything....just to have her.

2008-05-06T10:43:00.000-07:00

Today is the day I celebrate the beautiful person I had the honor of knowing....I miss her more than words can say.....she changed my life forever!

2008-04-23T23:44:00.000-07:00

Three years.....and I still wonder how I can make it through one day without her....Somtimes I think she was the only person who loved me and accepted me...for me....even with all my faults...she loved me. I am blessed to have had her in my life and I carry her with me always.

2008-04-02T22:44:00.000-07:00

When Amy died almost 3 years ago..they had her cremated....and they spent a long time deciding what to do with her remains...they finially buried her on her Grandmothers grave ( I guess you can bury up to 6 people that way...never knew that..) they did that last year but I was unable to make it down...so this was the first time I saw the words there in stone....still when I think of standing there on that bright beautiful spring morning....all I want to do is scream...NO AMY.... YOU CAN'T BE HERE !! Please NOOOO.... I wanted to throw myself down and pound on that stone......I could barley get myself to look at it.....I did manage to make it back to her grave before I left...I went back to cut the grass away from the edges and cleaned it up a little..I did Grandma's as well...because I knew Amy would want me to...I miss her so much.....

2008-03-27T22:02:00.000-07:00

I went there today. To see her grave for the first time....the minute I stepped from the van I wanted to run...but my knee's were to weak...I kept saying she's not here.....then to see it written in stone......I had a hard time even looking at it...I just wanted to scream and pound at the stone....if it had not been for her mother holding me up I would still be out there...laying on the ground sobbing....even now hours later...sitting in the dark of what used to be her room..I am so overwhelmed with pain I can hardly breath and the tears won't stop....

2008-01-06T23:41:00.000-08:00

On this day 4 years ago I was at an airport in Sacramento saying goodbye...what I didn't know then...was it would be the last time I would ever see her alive....I still haven't figured out how to live without her....I feel lost...and I still can't believe she is gone....and everything within me wants to scream NO NO NO NO at the top of my lungs.......I have a few times....but I scare people when I do...and it doesn't bring her back.....I guess I will just go cry myself to sleep...again....

2007-12-09T22:21:00.000-08:00

Christmas....it used to be my favorite time of year...I love to decorate...I LOVE to buy gifts...I love all the get togethers.....Now the season leaves me torn...I want to love all that stuff....but there is another part that hurts so much....4 years ago this Christmas....I was Amy's gift....and it would be the last time I saw her....
sometimes I wonder if the pain will ever go away.....Hug the ones you love like you are never going to see them again...treat them like this is the last time you will get to spend with them.....because you never know....

Possibility........

2007-10-11T21:17:00.000-07:00

I don't know about anyone else but I often think...someday...someday I will have to face the loss of my Mother...my Grandmother....I think on some level it helps you to prepare....I only did that once with Amy....it was almmost exactly 5 years befor she died. It was while I was working on a plate I was painting, for her, for our 25th anniversary as best friends.....I was having a hard time finding just the right words to put on it.....and the thought came to me.."what would I do??...what would I do if I lost Amy...?" I remember crying so hard it scared me...and I would never allow myself to to go there again.....I found just the right saying that day...."I can not imagine life without you"

It's been almost 2.5 years...and I still can't be alone for more than a few minutes without ending up a blubbering mess.....I still can not imagine life without her....

2007-08-14T15:17:00.000-07:00

I carry her in my heart.....

In my heart of silver.....

and my heart of flesh........

2007-07-28T18:22:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BUG !!!

Once again I wish I could be there to celebrate with you ! I am still hoping to make it down this summer ...so hopefully I can take ya out and do something special !! You are a great kid and everyone is so proud of you!

2007-07-13T00:22:00.000-07:00

Over 2 years later....and I still catch myself saying..."I need to call Amy" I would give anything to hear her voice again.......echoing off the bathroom walls as she hid from her family so she could talk on the phone........My world will never be right without her........

2007-06-28T22:43:00.000-07:00

I have heard that times heals all wounds......I wonder how much time? Cuz it still hurts to breath......

2007-05-07T18:13:00.000-07:00

Yesterday .....would have been Amy's 35th Birthday...I would have called her and teased her about being OLD....and she would tease me right back about being older....and that fact that it was always going to be that way......

I made it through the day suprisingly well......because every time I thought of her...and everything in me wanted to cry....I would make myself think of something I loved about her, something that made me smile or laugh....she was very good at that. I did cry a few times but not like I ususally do.....I made a decision that I was not going to let myself wallow in the "woe is me" but feel gratitude because I had the honor of having her in my life...she added so much...and LAUGHTER was one of the biggest things.......I miss her more than words can say......

2007-05-05T23:04:00.000-07:00

Embrace your memories. What we have once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes a part of us. - Helen Keller

2007-05-03T00:27:00.001-07:00

Facing it alone....

2007-04-20T23:22:00.000-07:00

This is a picture of a plate I did for Amy on our 25th anniversary.....and the card I got the picture from........This year would have been 32 years......The plate says...I can't imagine life without you...thanks you for being my friend. She has been gone 2 years and I still can't imagine a day without her...let alone a life time!

Monday is the day...and I will face it alone......I am not going to California this year because I chose to wait and go in June for her daughters 8th grade graduation......The saying misery loves company is true...there is something very comforting about knowing that the people around you truly understand the depth of your pain......I will miss seeing them.......but it is better so share a happy and proud occasion than a sad one........

2007-04-09T22:13:00.000-07:00

717 days I have past....716 more than I thought I could handle........yet the number of days ahead seem staggering......I still can't wrap my mind around making it one day...let alone the rest of my life without this beautiful person.........

2007-04-09T22:06:00.000-07:00

I came by today to see you
I had to let you know
If I knew the last time that I held you
was the last time
I'd have held you and never let go
It's kept me awake nights,
wondering Lie in the dark,
just asking why
I've always been told You won't be called home Until it's your time
I guess heaven was needing a hero
Somebody just like you
Brave enough to stand up
For what you believe
And follow it through
When I try to make it make sense in my mind
The only conclusion I come to
Is heaven was needing a hero
Like you
I remember the last time I saw you
You held your head up proud
I laughed inside
When I saw how you were standing out in the crowd
You're such a part of who I am
Now that part will just be void
No matter how much I need you now
Heaven needed you more
Cause heaven was needing a hero
Somebody just like you
Brave enough to stand up
For what you believe
And follow it through
When I try to make it make sense in my mind
The only conclusion I come to
Is heaven was needing a hero
Like you
Heaven was needing a hero and that's you

2007-03-29T21:44:00.000-07:00

Daisies remind me of Amy....they are sweet , simple, unpretentious,beautiful and where ever they are they make the world seem brighter......

I can not believe I have made it 2 years without hearing her laugh..........I'll never stop missing her......

2007-03-09T00:37:00.000-08:00

It's coming.....and no matter how hard I try....it feels like time is zipping past me...like I am the kid in the slide zooming down and I can not stop......I am only few short weeks from the anniversary of the last time I talked to her.....One thing I am so thankful for...is I can still hear her voice...I was afraid it would fade with time...but it is still so clear..........Then in a little over a month it will be 2 years since my world changed forever.........I am amazed everyday that I have made it this far........

I fell honored to have known her......

I feel lucky to have had such a close friend....

I treasure every moment and memory we had together.......

She is a part of who I am....and she lives on in my heart and in my memory.......

I will love her and miss her till the day I die.........

2007-02-06T00:19:00.000-08:00

I was thinking the other day that.....it should be better now that Christmas is over.....maybe it won't hurt so much now that the holiday's are gone....but then I realized.........there is not a month ......not even one that doesn't have an Amy "Holiday" ...you know...like January is Lizzy Birthday, Feb. is her husband Shannon's Birthday...... and the list goes on......every month has this HUGE reminder that she's not here! It's like there is this BIG gaping black hole where she should be......I can not imagine how it is for her family.....without her there everyday.......she was such a huge part of everything..........I MISS HER.......

The Amy bear.......

2007-01-13T11:12:00.000-08:00

I just received a package from Amy's family......it included this bear.....it is made from one of Amy's nightgowns....Amy's mom had these bears made by a friend of her's for Lizzy, Aunt Sally,& Me......I thought it was an awesome idea........A little piece of her to hold when I need to cry......which is often......... Thanks Sue! I will treasure it forever!

Our Lizzy turns 14!!

2007-01-13T10:53:00.000-08:00

HAPPY 14th BIRTHDAY LIZZY~~!!!!!

I can not believe it has been 14 years !!!!! Where the heck does time go??? Lizzy I hope you have an awesome birthday ! You are a sweet , funny girl with so much of your mom in you. You add alot of fun and life where ever you go. You potty trained my daughter and for that I am eternally grateful !!! We are all very proud of you ! I know that life has not been fun or easy....but like your momma you are a strong girl and will do great things in this life if you put your mind to it!

P.S. I know it wasn't today but I have been having computer problems !! So I just went ahead and put it on now !! LOVE YOU GIRL !!!!

Ghost of Christmas past........

2006-12-24T23:06:00.000-08:00

Have you ever been "the gift"? For the last two years of Amy's life...I was her Christmas present. This picture was taken at the airport as I was getting ready to return to Seattle....this was the last time I ever saw her.......

Never take people for granted....never assume you will have another chance to say I love you...or give a hug........ or make things right for something stupid you might have said or did......You never realize how big the hole will be without that person ......you can never imagine the depth of the pain losing that person will bring.......

I would give up every gift ever given to me...or ever to be given to me......just to have her back....come to think of it ...there isn't much of anything I wouldn't give up........

Sue...Liz.....I wish I could be there to hug you....I know without her there is a big empty space that can't be filled......

2006-12-12T22:02:00.000-08:00

Depression is my demon. It's the thing I struggle with most in life.......Amy was my rocks that gave me strength, something to hold on to when the waves were crashing in around me.....now that she is gone.....especially during the holidays......the sadness is overwhelming...... I feel paralyzed by it......I find myself sitting...staring off into nothing for long periods of time...and my body feels like a lead weight......I can't move...even if I wanted to..........Of course this means not much is gettin done around my house.....and with all the extra holiday stuff....I am drowning......my husband is mad cuz I can't seem to keep up with anything....which adds to my guilt and depresses me even more.......Please pray for me and for her family...I know they are all struggling as well......Amy was an amazing person.....I don't know how to move through this world without her......I still can't wrap my brain around her not being her......ever......

I really hoped.....

2006-12-07T23:02:00.000-08:00

I really hoped that this year would be eaiser......but it's not.
The only thing I want for Christmas is to hear her voice, to laugh with her again.....She could always make me laugh.....

And yes...the picture is me.....wasn't doing any better that day either.....probably because I had another year befor I met Amy......Or maybe it was the clothes!! Those pants make me want to cry right now!!

Thanksgiving.....

2006-11-23T18:26:00.000-08:00

I am thankful for the time I had with her.
I am thankful I could call her not only a friend, but family.
I am thankful I had a friend who could leave such a whole......(cuz some people don't)
Though I miss her every moment of every day...I am thankful ...and would not trade it for the world!

When I was little....every year till I was about 12 and we moved away.....I would eat at my house..then run over to Amy's Grandma's house and eat again !! It was always filled with family and food (of course) and lots of laughter! I never felt out of place....like a pig maybe...but never out of place!

Regrets.....

2006-11-09T17:07:00.001-08:00

15 years ago today I eloped with my wonderful husband Jim.....and in doing so created one of my deepest regrets. We got engaged and married two weeks later....mainly because of Jims work situation -he was taking on a new position that wouldn't allow him time off for at least a year ! And we didn't want to wait that long...then there was family issues.....anyways alot of clutter and pressure got in the way so we decided "heck with it - lets just go do it!" So we did......and I couldn't get a hold of Amy, plus I could not afford to fly her up and she had just gotten married as well.....I can make all the excuses but it all comes down to Amy was not in my wedding.....and I have regretted it everyday since...... I know she forgave me...but I have yet to forgive myself....... I have a hard time even looking at my wedding pictures without wanting to cry ............

2006-10-27T22:22:00.000-07:00

I still feel like there is a dam inside me.....that only a little water gets over the dam every day....but the pressure is still there.....I know Amy would not like the fact that I can hardly even think of her without bursting into tears......I know that she would rather I forgot about her completely than to cry every time I think of her......There is still a voice in my head that starts frantically saying "NO ,NO, NO...its not true......." She would want us to remember her and smile........I hope someday I can honor her in that way........

Twice THIS month I have had to face a horrible death.....and it brings back that initial pain that sent me screaming to the floor.........Pray that I will be able to help the families ....and not become to consumed by my own pain......

Not many.......

2006-10-17T22:30:00.001-07:00

Not many people have a friend like Amy....
Someone who's been around so long ...you can't remember a time without them.....
Someone who can tell what your thinking by looking at you....
Someone you just always get along with.........
Someone who likes the same kinds of things...places and people....
Someone who would share everything...and never ask for anything in return.....
Someone who can make you laugh no matter what the problem is.....
Someone you feel like half a person without!

Not many people have lost someone like Amy.....

I know because they tell me I should be "over" it by now....
They tell me to let go........Move on......

That is how I know they have never had an "Amy" in their lives...or if they have one...they have not lost them yet........

It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to.......

2006-08-14T15:07:00.000-07:00

I was awaken this morning by a phone call from Amy's daughter and mother, wishing me a happy birthday. It was great to hear from them...but it broke down what I call my morning resolve..I am usually more able to handle the sadness in the morning....and through the day I get weaker and weaker...then at night I usually totally break down.....cry myself to sleep more often than not.

Today, I will miss the yearly Garfield card and Amy calling to rub in the fact that she was younger than me and always would be...... I will miss her voice and the sound of her laughter....

2006-08-05T00:11:00.000-07:00

I miss her......every minute.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GAGE !!!

2006-07-27T20:35:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BUG !!!

This is gage at his Tae Kwon Do class..he is very good !! They wouldn't let me take pictures with my camera...I think because its to distracting for the kids....but being the rebel I am I snuck one with my cell phone !!

I hope you have a great birthday !!! You are a great little man, your family is so proud of you !

I wish I could be there to celebrate with you , Know that I am there in my heart ! Love YA !!

Should be......

2006-07-19T21:54:00.000-07:00

This should be one of the happiest times of my life, we are buying our first home, something we have wanted for a very long time........But, since I first heard they accepted our offer a sadness has haunted me .......I cried because I wanted so bad to call her.....she was always tellin me we needed to settle down...quit moving....she quit writing my address in pen......cuz she knew it would be changing before the ink could dry. She would be so excited.......I always promised her that she would be my first house guest ! She always said she wouldn't believe I actually bought a house tell she could see the place (and the paperwork to prove it! ) for herself !!! I am hoping I can talk her mom into coming up and bringing the kids.....I think Amy would like that.....I miss her so much.......

2006-07-11T13:03:00.000-07:00

I miss her so much.....there is a gaping hole where she used to be.......I have not posted much lately...I have been trying to find new ways to dull the ache that haunts me night and day...I thought maybe if I took a break and didn't post.....put away all the pictures, except the one I have in my locket that I wear around my neck.......I hoped it would help me to not think of her so much .........But alas ...it didn't work.

I did find out something interesting from my doctor.....I have been sick more this year than I have in the last 5 yrs combined and I was again calling him to see if I could get a refill for one of my many aliments....and we chatted for a moment ......He ran across some studies that show when a person goes through a sudden tragedy......that the brain reacts in the same way it does for someone who has had a sever head injury......so I am not going crazy as I supposed...... The doctor of course would like to put me back on anti-depressants...but I can no go there again!! I will just have to fight this one through......

Dreams

2006-06-13T00:07:00.000-07:00

In my dreams Amy is alive..... At least for the last few months...Before that I never slept deep enough to even have a dream..... now having her there makes me want to sleep alot.....Until last night. I had my first dream where in the dream she was dead......I awoke from a deep sleep sobbing...my pillow wet and snot...well you can imagine......Does this mean I am finally accepting her death?? I am afraid to go to sleep tonight.......it feels like I am losing the last place that I could go to be with her......

2006-06-06T22:19:00.000-07:00

I am amazed that even now....over a year later.....I keep thinking..."I need to call Amy" and then I catch myself.....I don't know how I can forget that she's gone...when there is this constant ache.......I think I must shut out the truth in order to get through the day....because all it takes is a thought of her and I can't breath...... I know that Amy would hate the fact that her memory brings me so much pain....and there are times when I remember something she did...or I can hear her say something.....and smile or laugh..but the crash after....when I realize that I'll never see her again...........well its still like getting run over by a train......

2006-05-17T22:53:00.000-07:00

This was Amy and I at her wedding.(duh) It was 15yrs ago today. This was one of our favorite pictures. Keep her husband Shannon in your prayers I am sure this is a hard day for him....

2006-05-06T21:44:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday Amy!!

Today she would have been 34. Today is a good day...even though it's a hard one right now.....On this day 34 years ago God blessed us with this wonderful person. A person who could make me laugh, shared selflessly, always saw the best in people, she was my rock and the best friend I could have ever asked for......I miss her everyday....

2006-04-25T22:21:00.000-07:00

Well...I made it.... wasn't sure I would. But it's official now....she has been gone a year....some how it feels like she has taken a step farther away........

I think I am still stuck in the denial phase....I know that can't be good after a year....but every time I spend more than a moment thinking about her not being here...everything...and I MEAN EVERYTHING within me starts screaming NO! NO! NO! over and over...I used to think people were being dramatic when they would cry and wale, and moan...but now I understand......If I let out more than just a little at a time...it turns into this deep , uncontrollable sobbing. It was probably a good thing I wasn't there when it happened , I would have been one of those people who refused to let go....I remember thinking...she's alone..she's all alone in that morgue..and wanting to be there with her.

It's been a year and I still cry myself to sleep asking God how I will make it through another day without her in it, and I wake up each morning praying it was all a nightmare.....

The first of many trials

2006-04-21T08:48:00.000-07:00

Today is the anniversary of the day I met Amy 31years ago...this picture was taken on her 5th birthday...she's is the one in the very center I am the one on the left at the back..the one wearing sneakers with a dress. By this time we had already been friends for 2 years.....

The next few weeks will be hard, first there is today...then Sunday comes the 1 st anniversary of her death....then on the 6th would have been her 34th birthday...a few days later mothers day...and about a week later would have been her 15th wedding anniversary......

I miss her everyday.....Pray for me as the stress is manifesting in the form of "stress rashes" headaches, stomach aches, sleeplessness...ect. Not to mention the sudden outburst(and I MEAN outburst) of tears at odd moments that lead me to run from the store or where ever I might be at the moment.

I can't believe it's been a year!! It feels like forever since I have talked to her...and only yesterday that I heard the words that torn my very soul in half.........

I am back.....

2006-04-15T22:22:00.000-07:00

This is Lizzy and Gage....

I am back from visiting Amy's family...and it was truly bitter sweet. I love her family...but it is so hard to see them without her...and hurting. Amy was incredibly close to her family, her mother and her did things together and spoke daily...they are BIG on tradition and have tons of family get togethers!!! They are always laughing. The laugher isn't completely gone but it's a lot quitter now.....

Being there was difficult, I kept expecting her to come around a corner, but she never did. Lizzy laughs just like Amy and it makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time!!! It hurts to watch her mom and her kids and her husband struggling without her........ Before this I thought I knew what it was to lose someone, I have lost more than a few close people , but this is so different. I sometimes wonder if I will ever be more than ok again.......

I thought I could share more.....but I just can't....not yet....

2006-04-02T13:43:00.000-07:00

Well...I made it through the 28th with no major break downs. I kept myself busy and went out to dinner and a movie with a few close friends. The next hurdle will be next week when I go back for the first time since last year to see her family. Don't get me wrong I love them all dearly.....but I feel like I have really failed Amy in this area. I haven't kept in contact like I should have, if it were completely up to me , I would have moved down there to help out. But that is unrealistic, I can't uproot my family and leave other family behind that need me......But I still feel I should have done more. I should have spoke at her funeral, but I was doing good just to be there...I fully expected to get hauled away in a little white coat to visit a padded room.......still even now from time to time I think I hear the rumbling of the paddy wagon coming to take me away.......So pray for US -Tawni is going with me and I know it won't be easy for her either.....She has been my rock...she holds me when I cry, and runs for the tissue......I don't know what I would do without her.....

2006-03-18T21:01:00.000-08:00

Amy loved to go camping!! Her family made a trip to Donner lake every year for a week of dirt, bugs and cold mornings!! I have so many camping stories..I would even begin to try to tell them all here, I just mention it to say that Amy and her family were very stable. They loved spending time with friends and family and every opportunity to do so...they did !! They have lots of tradition ! My family on the other hand was the opposite......I found myself running to Amy's house even on holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas....... When I moved away at 12 I felt lost! That's a good way to describe this last year....Lost. I miss her.

March 28th

2006-03-12T23:32:00.000-08:00

March 28th, 2005 was the last time I would ever speak with Amy. We talked about my upcoming Mexico mission trip and a house that we thought we were going to be able to buy.......we talked for over 2 hours , we decided to wait to talk again until April 23rd, because I was coming home on a monday..and we knew we would have lots to talk about and Saturdays are free on my calling plan.We usually talked a couple of times a week, I could tell you where she was on most days...oh today is monday ..she is doing curves at 10, then she picks up Gage and goes for a slurpy....She was very predictable.....her life was constant. I think it was that stability that helped me so much. She was my rock, my life line to sanity....

I have kicked myself a million times for not calling her right when I got home, because it was Saturday the 23rd of April, when she died suddenly of a grand mal seizure. I have cried everyday...without fail since then. Sometimes I wonder if the pain will ever end..I know it must as I watch my Grandmother carry on after losing my Grandfather almost 7years ago....they were together 55years. So I know there is hope....I can hear some of you saying "how can you compare a friend to a husband......??" All I can say is unless you have had a friendship like Amy and I had you won't understand. I know I was blessed with something that most people never get, and Amy knew things about me that even my husband and family have never known. If I believed in reincarnation I would say we must have been twins in another life. She is a part of who I am. I sometimes feel like I am withering away without her.......

So now that I am facing the 1 yr anniversary...I feel like its taking me a step farther from her.....Unfortunatly I am still flat on my face from that last unexpected step....I don't know how to let go of all this pain.....

2006-03-06T21:20:00.000-08:00

Amy....

This was Amy at about 4 years old.....and this picture has always been one of my favorite pictures of her. Its a little blurry but it still shows her sassy side.... and also shows two of the things she loved...the sun and water....we were mermaid's her and I......I estimate we spent 90% of our summers in the water...anywhere we could find it !!

I will add more pictures later and try to write more about Amy...but its still so hard....I can't believe its been almost a year.....I can't believe I have made it that long without her in my life....

2006-01-12T19:21:00.000-08:00

Happy 13th Birthday Lizzy!!!

Today is Lizzy's 13th Birthday !! Lizzy is Amy's daughter and her pride and joy! I remember when Amy first got pregnant...she wanted a girl so bad !! Amy had always been the Barbie QUEEN!! She loved dressing them ...and I suspected that was her reasoning for wanting a girl so bad!! I was right Lizzy was and is still on of the best dressed girl in town!! A year later I was lucky enough to have a girl of my own and we inherited so much of Lizzy's wardrobe that I didn't have buy anything for my own darling daughter for years !!! We were always grateful for that but I am even more grateful that while visiting us in Washington Lizzy helped me finally potty train Tawni !!! THANK YOU LIZZY !!!!

Lizzy is very outgoing , funny and fearless!!! Amy was always amazed and grateful for Lizzys outgoing personality !! She loved to see her daughter get out and dance, or sing in front of anyone and everyone !! Lizzy is always cracking a joke and making everyone laugh !! Lizzy has that special little something that sets her apart and lets you know that she is going to do great things !!

Lizzy I hope your 13th year is a great one !! We love you...we really really do !!

2006-01-01T21:42:00.000-08:00

New Years Resolution...... To stop focusing on the pain and focus on the person that Amy was...All the dreams we shared. Looking back on my postings....I have been consumed by me...and what I am feeling.....and though the pain is still there...Amy would not want me to wallow in it. I am going to try with all my might to share the beauty that was Amy. So I can honor her and maybe someone will be inspired by her life and love.....I know there will still be MANY tears.....I need to pull myself together so I can be there for her family , especially her children. PLEASE .... Pray that I will have strength.......

2005-12-18T23:09:00.000-08:00

Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death.......

It has a whole new meaning to me now.....I used to read that and think it was talking about the time when we are facing death(our own).....But I can see it clearly now.....because I am there.....there is no way out.... without alot of hard work... and the death itself has cast a shadow over everything.....making everything dark......taking the color out of everything......making everything cold and lifeless....... At first it was pitch black and nothing could be seen but the dark, now its a dark grey...I can see the outline of the mountains that surround this valley.....so I know there is light beyond those mountains. But it's still hard to move...its hard to find the path and there are lots of rocks and deep holes in my way.......and every step seems to hurt and take every last bit of energy I have.....But I know I must keep moving because there are things here that want to eat me alive...their names are despair and anger and death......they seem to naw at me or bite me when ever I stop, or fall into a hole, or trip ......I must keep moving but there are some days its seems it would be easier to stop.

God says that His word is a lamp unto my feet ......but anger often blows out that light. Sometimes I am so mad at God, why didn't he save her?? He knew how much she meant to me......I have to keep in mind though that His ways are not ours . He can see the picture being painted better than we can....we just have to trust Him. But that can be really hard when your in the dark........

2005-12-13T20:12:00.000-08:00

Amy was my life line to sanity. I could call her day or night ...and vent ...and she of course was always on my side..which helps alot!! She always knew how to calm me down and help me look at the brighter side. Now...I must say......you never know just how much you depend on someone until you dont have them......and sanity is becomeing a fond memory......

2005-12-07T21:18:00.000-08:00

The holidays have been hard. I don't know what I expected.....But it all seems so empty. What's funny about that is the Amy lived in California...it's not like I got to see her everyday. Though 'I' was her Christmas present for the last few years...... I can't even begin to imagine what it's like for her family....all I get from her husband (being a typical man) is "oh were fine...everybodys fine" But I know they aren't. Amy was the glue , the center , the heart of it all......Part of me wishes more than anything that I could be down there...helping...or just being there. I feel like I am failing her....but I can't even seem to help myself .....so how can I help them?
I keep asking her to forgive me......

2005-12-01T22:21:00.000-08:00

Today I was sittin in the recliner relaxing because I had a pretty rotten day...I was just dozeing off when the phone rang....I answered....And the voice at the other end say "Hey there, how are you" and I just stopped....I held my breath and couldnt speak....for a few moments my head swam...I thought it was Amy.....finially the woman on the other end said who she was and continued to talk.........it has really sent me reeling tonight....What I wouldnt give to call her.......

2005-11-22T10:43:00.000-08:00

Embrace your memories. What we have once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes a part of us. - Helen Keller

2005-11-22T10:40:00.000-08:00

When I think back
On these times
And the dreams
We left behind
I'll be glad 'cause
I was blessed to get
To have you in my life
When I look back
On these days
I'll look and see your face
You were right there for me

[CHORUS:]
In my dreams
I'll always see your soul
Above the sky
In my heart
There always be a place
For you for all my life
I'll keep a part
Of you with me
And everywhere I am
There you'll be

Well you showed me
How it feels
To feel the sky
Within my reach
And I always
Will remember all
The strength you
Gave to me
Your love made me
Make it through
Oh, I owe so much to you
You were right there for me

[Repeat chorus]

'Cause I always saw in you
My light, my strength
And I want to thank you
Now for all the ways
You were right there for me
You were right there for me
For always

[Repeat chorus]

2005-11-20T22:16:00.000-08:00

If something comes to life in others because of you,
then you have made an approach to immortality."
-Norman Cousins (1912-1990)

2005-11-18T11:42:00.000-08:00

Sometimes others can say it better than we can.....heres a few lyrics that send me over the edge..

I probably wouldn't be this way
I probably wouldn't hurt so bad
I never pictured every minute without you in it,
Oh you left so fast,
Sometimes I see you standing there
Sometimes it's like I'm losing touch
Sometimes I feel I'm so lucky to have had the chance to love this much
God give me moments grace
Cause if I'd never seen your face
I probably wouldn't be this way

Well that says alot......But if I had known..how it would end...would I have chosen to miss out on such a wondeful friendship?? NO......in fact now I would give almost anything to just have one more day.......

The line that says "I never pictured every miniute without you in it" sticks out for me because 5 yrs ago...just befor our "25th anniversary" I was painting a plate for Amy...it has 2 little girls running through the sprinklers...anyways I was searching for the perfect saying to put on the plate......the only thing that felt right was "I cant imagine life without you" and when I thought of it I cried....I imagined for a minute what it would be like to get a call......saying she was gone....it took me hours to calm myself down......When it did happen...it was so much worse than I could have ever imagined....and I still can't put myself back together......And I still.....cant imagine her not being here....I still pick up the phone to call her......How can life just go on.......how can someone go back to doing the same things when everything has changed???

2005-11-17T23:33:00.000-08:00

Just after Amy died...my mom made a comment that has stuck with me...she said " thinking of you without Amy is like thinking of you without your spine, I just can't imagine you without her in your life..she's just always been a part of you."

You'll have to be patient with me here.....its so hard to think...without crying and wanting to scream......I feel like there is all this pain dammed up inside of me.....and I can only let a little go at a time....if I let to much out..the dam might break....and the results will be devistating. But at the same time..I know if I dont let a little out every now and then that the sheer pressure behind the dam will take it down.....I wish I could control the when and where it will let go though......my poor daughter....she has been a rock for me...she always comes running when she hears me cry....she's held me through many a break down.....Then theres poor Jim...I am sure he is at a complete loss when it comes to me.....we were watching a movie the other night called "we were soliders" with Mel Gibson about vietnam and when it came to the scene with all the wives getting the notices that thier husband had been killed i lost it....I mean I have cried at movies in the past..but I really lost it.......it took me right back to that phone call.......

I better go....I've been crying and head and eyes ache.......

2005-11-08T13:46:00.000-08:00

Its kinda funny that the name Amy means "friendship"...because that's who she was. Not just to me...to everyone...even people she didn't like much she would still go out of her way to make them feel comfortable and a part of whatever was going on. I am starting this blog for a few reasons, its been 6 months since I lost this beautiful person in my life and I can still hardly spit the words out of my mouth, I am hoping to share with the world a little about my friend to honor her memory , I am hoping to help others who may be going through the same. I have to say I find it easier to talk to someone that I know has been through a loss...I get upset with people who think they know how I feel....Of course before all this happened I would try to console people in the same manor...really having no idea... Let me start at the beginning...

Amy was her name...I met her on April 21st, 1974. I was 4 and she was about to turn 3. I remember the date only because we had just moved into the house on Fullweiler street and she was the first person I met . I had been banished from the house while my mother unpacked, I wondered around the yard and finally settled on the curb watching a little girl across the street.....she was playing hide and go seek with her doll. She would hide it ...run to the closest tree and count (only to 5 because that's as high as she could) then she would wonder around the yard "looking" for the very same doll. It was ...well pathetic. Normally I was very shy but I could tell she needed some help and after all I was older than her....so I went over and offered to hide the doll for her and then she could find it. She stared at me with big eyes....and ran in the house without saying a word....and just as I was about to go home again...she came running out with her mom in tow...saying something like..."see there she is and she wants to play with me" I felt like a celebrity. After that Amy and I were almost inseparable.....We could spend days together, never getting tired of one another, never arguing.

Amy's family took me in and made me a part of their family. Amy was an only child and my brothers and sister were much older than I so we needed each other. Amy was one of those kids who had a monstrous amount of toys (NOT THAT I AM COMPLAINING MIND YOU) it worked out great for me....but what always amazed me ...was Amy would share anything and everything...gladly. She never had to think about it or worry that you might break or lose...she just gave .

Well I could write a novel (and maybe I will someday) about all the things we did together....we spent every moment we could together for the next 6 years. Sure we had "other" friends from time to time and things happened ...like her Mom remarried when Amy was 5 and not long after they moved across town. (I was devastated) Along with this new Dad came 2 brothers and 2 sisters !! AHAHA !! All of them older but it still put a crimp in life....But we still managed to keep a close friendship. Then the worst happened, my family moved to to Idaho just before my 12th birthday. I thought for sure...I would never see Amy again. I cried for months... But the next summer her parents paid for me to come down and spend the summer with them in California. What a summer that was...you know the kind you will never forget. We did everything that summer, Disneyland, Sea-World, San Diego Zoo, Santa Cruz, swimming, camping...you name it.

Well again...I could go on and on...the next 4 years we didn't get to see each other at all....and during that time we had times with no contact...but it was always like we had never been apart, we could talk for hours..if only our parents would let us......And after high school we began in earnest to keep in touch and see each other at least once a year. I was in her wedding and came down shortly after the birth of her daughter Lizzy...I was married and had a daughter myself a year later (almost to the day) And Amy's family sent me my babyshower in a box.....more stuff than you could believe!! We always managed to talk once or twice a week...and the last few years...I was her Christmas present...which was a gift for me as well!!

This last Christmas..I was really busy..so we postponed my annual Christmas trip till June...A decision I will always regret. On April 23rd, 2005 Amy died. She had a grand mal seizure, (of course we didn't know what had caused it for months) Our 30th Anniversary had just past...I was waiting to call her until Saturday (its free on my cell phone!) When I got the call I was on the other line...I decided to call her back after I was done so that we could talk for as long as we wanted (usually a 2 hour min.) When I played the message that was left for me...and heard her mothers voice asking me to call back right away...I knew something was very wrong. That conversation plays over and over again in my head.....I remember dropping the phone...looking at my daughter and screaming....over and over....NOT AMY..PLEASE NOT AMY !!! And there hasn't been a day since when I haven't wanted to scream those words..... I wake every morning and pray it was all a bad dream....and I go to bed asking God how I will make it another day without her. She was a part of me...a part of who I am...I can hardly remember a time without her.....and I expected her to always be there....I expected us to be 2 old ladies sittin on the park bench asking "what's the world coming to??" "what's wrong with kids these days??" I feel like my arms and legs have been cut off...I know in my head that in time the pain will go and I will learn to walk with the prosodic legs and arms...but it will never be the same..does that make since?

Well it has taken me 6 months to get this far.....far enough to write these words....though I will admit my head and eyes hurts from crying so hard...and there's not much tissue left in the house...everyone says this will help...just to get it out....I guess we will see ......