I miss you my Amy......

"Like a bird singing in the rain, let grateful memories survive in time of sorrow." ~Robert Louis Stevenson

"It ain't fair you died too young, Like a story that had just begun, but death tore the pages all away, God knows how I miss you, All the hell that I've been through Just knowing no one could take your place... Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today..." ~Kenny Chesney

Happy Bithday Liz !

Today you turn 17...wow...i feel old. You are a beautiful young lady.....and I wish I could be more involved in your life. Please know I am always here for you. We are all so proud of you ! Hope you have a great day ! I love you !

We call that person who has lost his father, an orphan; and a widower that man who has lost his wife. But that man who has known the immense unhappiness of losing a friend, by what name do we call him? Here every language is silent and holds its peace in impotence.
Joseph Roux

I would give anything to talk to her again....I miss her so much..what I wouldnt give for a time machine....

Thirty-four years ago my life changed forever......I wish I would have told her more often....exactly how much she meant to me. But now I will never have that chance, I miss her more than words can say....

How long will my prayers seem unanswered?
Is there still faith in me to reach the end?
I'm feeling doubt I'm losing faith
But giving up would cost me everything
So I'll stand in the pain and silence
And I'll speak to the dark night

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe

Though I can't see my stories ending
That doesn't mean the dark night has no end
It's only here that I find faith
And learn to trust the one who writes my days
So I'll stand in the pain and silence
And I'll speak to the dark night

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe
No dark can consume Light
No death greater than this life
We are not forgotten
Hope is found when we say
Even when He is silent

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe.



This year has been almost as hard as the year I lost Amy....I would give anything to have her here.....I miss her every minute....

Just for me.....

I have had a rough few months....personal problems....and as I sat feeling sorry for myself..thinking "why doesn't anyone love me for just me??" Amy's voice rang loud and clear in my head "what am I chopped liver?"


Amy's house was always an escape for me....I could go there and just be...i didn't have to worry about what I might get in trouble for...or if my parents were fighting.....I could go to Amy's and just be....a kid. She always loved me for who I was ...not what I could or would do for her...or what I could bring to the relationship...she just enjoyed me....she was the one with the toys....the one with the movie tickets...or Disneyland tickets.....I would give up anything to have her back....I would give back every gift, toy, movie......anything....just to have her.

Today is the day I celebrate the beautiful person I had the honor of knowing....I miss her more than words can say.....she changed my life forever!

Three years.....and I still wonder how I can make it through one day without her....Somtimes I think she was the only person who loved me and accepted me...for me....even with all my faults...she loved me. I am blessed to have had her in my life and I carry her with me always.

When Amy died almost 3 years ago..they had her cremated....and they spent a long time deciding what to do with her remains...they finially buried her on her Grandmothers grave ( I guess you can bury up to 6 people that way...never knew that..) they did that last year but I was unable to make it down...so this was the first time I saw the words there in stone....still when I think of standing there on that bright beautiful spring morning....all I want to do is scream...NO AMY.... YOU CAN'T BE HERE !! Please NOOOO.... I wanted to throw myself down and pound on that stone......I could barley get myself to look at it.....I did manage to make it back to her grave before I left...I went back to cut the grass away from the edges and cleaned it up a little..I did Grandma's as well...because I knew Amy would want me to...I miss her so much.....

I went there today. To see her grave for the first time....the minute I stepped from the van I wanted to run...but my knee's were to weak...I kept saying she's not here.....then to see it written in stone......I had a hard time even looking at it...I just wanted to scream and pound at the stone....if it had not been for her mother holding me up I would still be out there...laying on the ground sobbing....even now hours later...sitting in the dark of what used to be her room..I am so overwhelmed with pain I can hardly breath and the tears won't stop....

On this day 4 years ago I was at an airport in Sacramento saying goodbye...what I didn't know then...was it would be the last time I would ever see her alive....I still haven't figured out how to live without her....I feel lost...and I still can't believe she is gone....and everything within me wants to scream NO NO NO NO at the top of my lungs.......I have a few times....but I scare people when I do...and it doesn't bring her back.....I guess I will just go cry myself to sleep...again....

Christmas....it used to be my favorite time of year...I love to decorate...I LOVE to buy gifts...I love all the get togethers.....Now the season leaves me torn...I want to love all that stuff....but there is another part that hurts so much....4 years ago this Christmas....I was Amy's gift....and it would be the last time I saw her....
sometimes I wonder if the pain will ever go away.....Hug the ones you love like you are never going to see them again...treat them like this is the last time you will get to spend with them.....because you never know....

Possibility........

I don't know about anyone else but I often think...someday...someday I will have to face the loss of my Mother...my Grandmother....I think on some level it helps you to prepare....I only did that once with Amy....it was almmost exactly 5 years befor she died. It was while I was working on a plate I was painting, for her, for our 25th anniversary as best friends.....I was having a hard time finding just the right words to put on it.....and the thought came to me.."what would I do??...what would I do if I lost Amy...?" I remember crying so hard it scared me...and I would never allow myself to to go there again.....I found just the right saying that day...."I can not imagine life without you"

It's been almost 2.5 years...and I still can't be alone for more than a few minutes without ending up a blubbering mess.....I still can not imagine life without her....

I carry her in my heart.....

In my heart of silver.....

and my heart of flesh........

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BUG !!!

Once again I wish I could be there to celebrate with you ! I am still hoping to make it down this summer ...so hopefully I can take ya out and do something special !! You are a great kid and everyone is so proud of you!

Over 2 years later....and I still catch myself saying..."I need to call Amy" I would give anything to hear her voice again.......echoing off the bathroom walls as she hid from her family so she could talk on the phone........My world will never be right without her........

I have heard that times heals all wounds......I wonder how much time? Cuz it still hurts to breath......