Well...I made it.... wasn't sure I would. But it's official now....she has been gone a year....some how it feels like she has taken a step farther away........

I think I am still stuck in the denial phase....I know that can't be good after a year....but every time I spend more than a moment thinking about her not being here...everything...and I MEAN EVERYTHING within me starts screaming NO! NO! NO! over and over...I used to think people were being dramatic when they would cry and wale, and moan...but now I understand......If I let out more than just a little at a time...it turns into this deep , uncontrollable sobbing. It was probably a good thing I wasn't there when it happened , I would have been one of those people who refused to let go....I remember thinking...she's alone..she's all alone in that morgue..and wanting to be there with her.

It's been a year and I still cry myself to sleep asking God how I will make it through another day without her in it, and I wake up each morning praying it was all a nightmare.....

The first of many trials

Today is the anniversary of the day I met Amy 31years ago...this picture was taken on her 5th birthday...she's is the one in the very center I am the one on the left at the back..the one wearing sneakers with a dress. By this time we had already been friends for 2 years.....

The next few weeks will be hard, first there is today...then Sunday comes the 1 st anniversary of her death....then on the 6th would have been her 34th birthday...a few days later mothers day...and about a week later would have been her 15th wedding anniversary......

I miss her everyday.....Pray for me as the stress is manifesting in the form of "stress rashes" headaches, stomach aches, sleeplessness...ect. Not to mention the sudden outburst(and I MEAN outburst) of tears at odd moments that lead me to run from the store or where ever I might be at the moment.

I can't believe it's been a year!! It feels like forever since I have talked to her...and only yesterday that I heard the words that torn my very soul in half.........

I am back.....

This is Lizzy and Gage....


I am back from visiting Amy's family...and it was truly bitter sweet. I love her family...but it is so hard to see them without her...and hurting. Amy was incredibly close to her family, her mother and her did things together and spoke daily...they are BIG on tradition and have tons of family get togethers!!! They are always laughing. The laugher isn't completely gone but it's a lot quitter now.....

Being there was difficult, I kept expecting her to come around a corner, but she never did. Lizzy laughs just like Amy and it makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time!!! It hurts to watch her mom and her kids and her husband struggling without her........ Before this I thought I knew what it was to lose someone, I have lost more than a few close people , but this is so different. I sometimes wonder if I will ever be more than ok again.......

I thought I could share more.....but I just can't....not yet....

Well...I made it through the 28th with no major break downs. I kept myself busy and went out to dinner and a movie with a few close friends. The next hurdle will be next week when I go back for the first time since last year to see her family. Don't get me wrong I love them all dearly.....but I feel like I have really failed Amy in this area. I haven't kept in contact like I should have, if it were completely up to me , I would have moved down there to help out. But that is unrealistic, I can't uproot my family and leave other family behind that need me......But I still feel I should have done more. I should have spoke at her funeral, but I was doing good just to be there...I fully expected to get hauled away in a little white coat to visit a padded room.......still even now from time to time I think I hear the rumbling of the paddy wagon coming to take me away.......So pray for US -Tawni is going with me and I know it won't be easy for her either.....She has been my rock...she holds me when I cry, and runs for the tissue......I don't know what I would do without her.....

Amy loved to go camping!! Her family made a trip to Donner lake every year for a week of dirt, bugs and cold mornings!! I have so many camping stories..I would even begin to try to tell them all here, I just mention it to say that Amy and her family were very stable. They loved spending time with friends and family and every opportunity to do so...they did !! They have lots of tradition ! My family on the other hand was the opposite......I found myself running to Amy's house even on holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas....... When I moved away at 12 I felt lost! That's a good way to describe this last year....Lost. I miss her.

March 28th

March 28th, 2005 was the last time I would ever speak with Amy. We talked about my upcoming Mexico mission trip and a house that we thought we were going to be able to buy.......we talked for over 2 hours , we decided to wait to talk again until April 23rd, because I was coming home on a monday..and we knew we would have lots to talk about and Saturdays are free on my calling plan.We usually talked a couple of times a week, I could tell you where she was on most days...oh today is monday ..she is doing curves at 10, then she picks up Gage and goes for a slurpy....She was very predictable.....her life was constant. I think it was that stability that helped me so much. She was my rock, my life line to sanity....

I have kicked myself a million times for not calling her right when I got home, because it was Saturday the 23rd of April, when she died suddenly of a grand mal seizure. I have cried everyday...without fail since then. Sometimes I wonder if the pain will ever end..I know it must as I watch my Grandmother carry on after losing my Grandfather almost 7years ago....they were together 55years. So I know there is hope....I can hear some of you saying "how can you compare a friend to a husband......??" All I can say is unless you have had a friendship like Amy and I had you won't understand. I know I was blessed with something that most people never get, and Amy knew things about me that even my husband and family have never known. If I believed in reincarnation I would say we must have been twins in another life. She is a part of who I am. I sometimes feel like I am withering away without her.......

So now that I am facing the 1 yr anniversary...I feel like its taking me a step farther from her.....Unfortunatly I am still flat on my face from that last unexpected step....I don't know how to let go of all this pain.....

Amy....

This was Amy at about 4 years old.....and this picture has always been one of my favorite pictures of her. Its a little blurry but it still shows her sassy side.... and also shows two of the things she loved...the sun and water....we were mermaid's her and I......I estimate we spent 90% of our summers in the water...anywhere we could find it !!


I will add more pictures later and try to write more about Amy...but its still so hard....I can't believe its been almost a year.....I can't believe I have made it that long without her in my life....

Happy 13th Birthday Lizzy!!!

Today is Lizzy's 13th Birthday !! Lizzy is Amy's daughter and her pride and joy! I remember when Amy first got pregnant...she wanted a girl so bad !! Amy had always been the Barbie QUEEN!! She loved dressing them ...and I suspected that was her reasoning for wanting a girl so bad!! I was right Lizzy was and is still on of the best dressed girl in town!! A year later I was lucky enough to have a girl of my own and we inherited so much of Lizzy's wardrobe that I didn't have buy anything for my own darling daughter for years !!! We were always grateful for that but I am even more grateful that while visiting us in Washington Lizzy helped me finally potty train Tawni !!! THANK YOU LIZZY !!!!


Lizzy is very outgoing , funny and fearless!!! Amy was always amazed and grateful for Lizzys outgoing personality !! She loved to see her daughter get out and dance, or sing in front of anyone and everyone !! Lizzy is always cracking a joke and making everyone laugh !! Lizzy has that special little something that sets her apart and lets you know that she is going to do great things !!

Lizzy I hope your 13th year is a great one !! We love you...we really really do !!

New Years Resolution...... To stop focusing on the pain and focus on the person that Amy was...All the dreams we shared. Looking back on my postings....I have been consumed by me...and what I am feeling.....and though the pain is still there...Amy would not want me to wallow in it. I am going to try with all my might to share the beauty that was Amy. So I can honor her and maybe someone will be inspired by her life and love.....I know there will still be MANY tears.....I need to pull myself together so I can be there for her family , especially her children. PLEASE .... Pray that I will have strength.......

Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death.......

It has a whole new meaning to me now.....I used to read that and think it was talking about the time when we are facing death(our own).....But I can see it clearly now.....because I am there.....there is no way out.... without alot of hard work... and the death itself has cast a shadow over everything.....making everything dark......taking the color out of everything......making everything cold and lifeless....... At first it was pitch black and nothing could be seen but the dark, now its a dark grey...I can see the outline of the mountains that surround this valley.....so I know there is light beyond those mountains. But it's still hard to move...its hard to find the path and there are lots of rocks and deep holes in my way.......and every step seems to hurt and take every last bit of energy I have.....But I know I must keep moving because there are things here that want to eat me alive...their names are despair and anger and death......they seem to naw at me or bite me when ever I stop, or fall into a hole, or trip ......I must keep moving but there are some days its seems it would be easier to stop.

God says that His word is a lamp unto my feet ......but anger often blows out that light. Sometimes I am so mad at God, why didn't he save her?? He knew how much she meant to me......I have to keep in mind though that His ways are not ours . He can see the picture being painted better than we can....we just have to trust Him. But that can be really hard when your in the dark........

Amy was my life line to sanity. I could call her day or night ...and vent ...and she of course was always on my side..which helps alot!! She always knew how to calm me down and help me look at the brighter side. Now...I must say......you never know just how much you depend on someone until you dont have them......and sanity is becomeing a fond memory......

The holidays have been hard. I don't know what I expected.....But it all seems so empty. What's funny about that is the Amy lived in California...it's not like I got to see her everyday. Though 'I' was her Christmas present for the last few years...... I can't even begin to imagine what it's like for her family....all I get from her husband (being a typical man) is "oh were fine...everybodys fine" But I know they aren't. Amy was the glue , the center , the heart of it all......Part of me wishes more than anything that I could be down there...helping...or just being there. I feel like I am failing her....but I can't even seem to help myself .....so how can I help them?
I keep asking her to forgive me......

Today I was sittin in the recliner relaxing because I had a pretty rotten day...I was just dozeing off when the phone rang....I answered....And the voice at the other end say "Hey there, how are you" and I just stopped....I held my breath and couldnt speak....for a few moments my head swam...I thought it was Amy.....finially the woman on the other end said who she was and continued to talk.........it has really sent me reeling tonight....What I wouldnt give to call her.......

Embrace your memories. What we have once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes a part of us. - Helen Keller

When I think back
On these times
And the dreams
We left behind
I'll be glad 'cause
I was blessed to get
To have you in my life
When I look back
On these days
I'll look and see your face
You were right there for me

[CHORUS:]
In my dreams
I'll always see your soul
Above the sky
In my heart
There always be a place
For you for all my life
I'll keep a part
Of you with me
And everywhere I am
There you'll be

Well you showed me
How it feels
To feel the sky
Within my reach
And I always
Will remember all
The strength you
Gave to me
Your love made me
Make it through
Oh, I owe so much to you
You were right there for me

[Repeat chorus]

'Cause I always saw in you
My light, my strength
And I want to thank you
Now for all the ways
You were right there for me
You were right there for me
For always

[Repeat chorus]

If something comes to life in others because of you,
then you have made an approach to immortality."
-Norman Cousins (1912-1990)

Sometimes others can say it better than we can.....heres a few lyrics that send me over the edge..



I probably wouldn't be this way
I probably wouldn't hurt so bad
I never pictured every minute without you in it,
Oh you left so fast,
Sometimes I see you standing there
Sometimes it's like I'm losing touch
Sometimes I feel I'm so lucky to have had the chance to love this much
God give me moments grace
Cause if I'd never seen your face
I probably wouldn't be this way




Well that says alot......But if I had known..how it would end...would I have chosen to miss out on such a wondeful friendship?? NO......in fact now I would give almost anything to just have one more day.......

The line that says "I never pictured every miniute without you in it" sticks out for me because 5 yrs ago...just befor our "25th anniversary" I was painting a plate for Amy...it has 2 little girls running through the sprinklers...anyways I was searching for the perfect saying to put on the plate......the only thing that felt right was "I cant imagine life without you" and when I thought of it I cried....I imagined for a minute what it would be like to get a call......saying she was gone....it took me hours to calm myself down......When it did happen...it was so much worse than I could have ever imagined....and I still can't put myself back together......And I still.....cant imagine her not being here....I still pick up the phone to call her......How can life just go on.......how can someone go back to doing the same things when everything has changed???

Just after Amy died...my mom made a comment that has stuck with me...she said " thinking of you without Amy is like thinking of you without your spine, I just can't imagine you without her in your life..she's just always been a part of you."

You'll have to be patient with me here.....its so hard to think...without crying and wanting to scream......I feel like there is all this pain dammed up inside of me.....and I can only let a little go at a time....if I let to much out..the dam might break....and the results will be devistating. But at the same time..I know if I dont let a little out every now and then that the sheer pressure behind the dam will take it down.....I wish I could control the when and where it will let go though......my poor daughter....she has been a rock for me...she always comes running when she hears me cry....she's held me through many a break down.....Then theres poor Jim...I am sure he is at a complete loss when it comes to me.....we were watching a movie the other night called "we were soliders" with Mel Gibson about vietnam and when it came to the scene with all the wives getting the notices that thier husband had been killed i lost it....I mean I have cried at movies in the past..but I really lost it.......it took me right back to that phone call.......

I better go....I've been crying and head and eyes ache.......

Its kinda funny that the name Amy means "friendship"...because that's who she was. Not just to me...to everyone...even people she didn't like much she would still go out of her way to make them feel comfortable and a part of whatever was going on. I am starting this blog for a few reasons, its been 6 months since I lost this beautiful person in my life and I can still hardly spit the words out of my mouth, I am hoping to share with the world a little about my friend to honor her memory , I am hoping to help others who may be going through the same. I have to say I find it easier to talk to someone that I know has been through a loss...I get upset with people who think they know how I feel....Of course before all this happened I would try to console people in the same manor...really having no idea... Let me start at the beginning...


Amy was her name...I met her on April 21st, 1974. I was 4 and she was about to turn 3. I remember the date only because we had just moved into the house on Fullweiler street and she was the first person I met . I had been banished from the house while my mother unpacked, I wondered around the yard and finally settled on the curb watching a little girl across the street.....she was playing hide and go seek with her doll. She would hide it ...run to the closest tree and count (only to 5 because that's as high as she could) then she would wonder around the yard "looking" for the very same doll. It was ...well pathetic. Normally I was very shy but I could tell she needed some help and after all I was older than her....so I went over and offered to hide the doll for her and then she could find it. She stared at me with big eyes....and ran in the house without saying a word....and just as I was about to go home again...she came running out with her mom in tow...saying something like..."see there she is and she wants to play with me" I felt like a celebrity. After that Amy and I were almost inseparable.....We could spend days together, never getting tired of one another, never arguing.

Amy's family took me in and made me a part of their family. Amy was an only child and my brothers and sister were much older than I so we needed each other. Amy was one of those kids who had a monstrous amount of toys (NOT THAT I AM COMPLAINING MIND YOU) it worked out great for me....but what always amazed me ...was Amy would share anything and everything...gladly. She never had to think about it or worry that you might break or lose...she just gave .

Well I could write a novel (and maybe I will someday) about all the things we did together....we spent every moment we could together for the next 6 years. Sure we had "other" friends from time to time and things happened ...like her Mom remarried when Amy was 5 and not long after they moved across town. (I was devastated) Along with this new Dad came 2 brothers and 2 sisters !! AHAHA !! All of them older but it still put a crimp in life....But we still managed to keep a close friendship. Then the worst happened, my family moved to to Idaho just before my 12th birthday. I thought for sure...I would never see Amy again. I cried for months... But the next summer her parents paid for me to come down and spend the summer with them in California. What a summer that was...you know the kind you will never forget. We did everything that summer, Disneyland, Sea-World, San Diego Zoo, Santa Cruz, swimming, camping...you name it.

Well again...I could go on and on...the next 4 years we didn't get to see each other at all....and during that time we had times with no contact...but it was always like we had never been apart, we could talk for hours..if only our parents would let us......And after high school we began in earnest to keep in touch and see each other at least once a year. I was in her wedding and came down shortly after the birth of her daughter Lizzy...I was married and had a daughter myself a year later (almost to the day) And Amy's family sent me my babyshower in a box.....more stuff than you could believe!! We always managed to talk once or twice a week...and the last few years...I was her Christmas present...which was a gift for me as well!!

This last Christmas..I was really busy..so we postponed my annual Christmas trip till June...A decision I will always regret. On April 23rd, 2005 Amy died. She had a grand mal seizure, (of course we didn't know what had caused it for months) Our 30th Anniversary had just past...I was waiting to call her until Saturday (its free on my cell phone!) When I got the call I was on the other line...I decided to call her back after I was done so that we could talk for as long as we wanted (usually a 2 hour min.) When I played the message that was left for me...and heard her mothers voice asking me to call back right away...I knew something was very wrong. That conversation plays over and over again in my head.....I remember dropping the phone...looking at my daughter and screaming....over and over....NOT AMY..PLEASE NOT AMY !!! And there hasn't been a day since when I haven't wanted to scream those words..... I wake every morning and pray it was all a bad dream....and I go to bed asking God how I will make it another day without her. She was a part of me...a part of who I am...I can hardly remember a time without her.....and I expected her to always be there....I expected us to be 2 old ladies sittin on the park bench asking "what's the world coming to??" "what's wrong with kids these days??" I feel like my arms and legs have been cut off...I know in my head that in time the pain will go and I will learn to walk with the prosodic legs and arms...but it will never be the same..does that make since?

Well it has taken me 6 months to get this far.....far enough to write these words....though I will admit my head and eyes hurts from crying so hard...and there's not much tissue left in the house...everyone says this will help...just to get it out....I guess we will see ......