Just for me.....

I have had a rough few months....personal problems....and as I sat feeling sorry for myself..thinking "why doesn't anyone love me for just me??" Amy's voice rang loud and clear in my head "what am I chopped liver?"


Amy's house was always an escape for me....I could go there and just be...i didn't have to worry about what I might get in trouble for...or if my parents were fighting.....I could go to Amy's and just be....a kid. She always loved me for who I was ...not what I could or would do for her...or what I could bring to the relationship...she just enjoyed me....she was the one with the toys....the one with the movie tickets...or Disneyland tickets.....I would give up anything to have her back....I would give back every gift, toy, movie......anything....just to have her.

Today is the day I celebrate the beautiful person I had the honor of knowing....I miss her more than words can say.....she changed my life forever!

Three years.....and I still wonder how I can make it through one day without her....Somtimes I think she was the only person who loved me and accepted me...for me....even with all my faults...she loved me. I am blessed to have had her in my life and I carry her with me always.

When Amy died almost 3 years ago..they had her cremated....and they spent a long time deciding what to do with her remains...they finially buried her on her Grandmothers grave ( I guess you can bury up to 6 people that way...never knew that..) they did that last year but I was unable to make it down...so this was the first time I saw the words there in stone....still when I think of standing there on that bright beautiful spring morning....all I want to do is scream...NO AMY.... YOU CAN'T BE HERE !! Please NOOOO.... I wanted to throw myself down and pound on that stone......I could barley get myself to look at it.....I did manage to make it back to her grave before I left...I went back to cut the grass away from the edges and cleaned it up a little..I did Grandma's as well...because I knew Amy would want me to...I miss her so much.....

I went there today. To see her grave for the first time....the minute I stepped from the van I wanted to run...but my knee's were to weak...I kept saying she's not here.....then to see it written in stone......I had a hard time even looking at it...I just wanted to scream and pound at the stone....if it had not been for her mother holding me up I would still be out there...laying on the ground sobbing....even now hours later...sitting in the dark of what used to be her room..I am so overwhelmed with pain I can hardly breath and the tears won't stop....

On this day 4 years ago I was at an airport in Sacramento saying goodbye...what I didn't know then...was it would be the last time I would ever see her alive....I still haven't figured out how to live without her....I feel lost...and I still can't believe she is gone....and everything within me wants to scream NO NO NO NO at the top of my lungs.......I have a few times....but I scare people when I do...and it doesn't bring her back.....I guess I will just go cry myself to sleep...again....

Christmas....it used to be my favorite time of year...I love to decorate...I LOVE to buy gifts...I love all the get togethers.....Now the season leaves me torn...I want to love all that stuff....but there is another part that hurts so much....4 years ago this Christmas....I was Amy's gift....and it would be the last time I saw her....
sometimes I wonder if the pain will ever go away.....Hug the ones you love like you are never going to see them again...treat them like this is the last time you will get to spend with them.....because you never know....

Possibility........

I don't know about anyone else but I often think...someday...someday I will have to face the loss of my Mother...my Grandmother....I think on some level it helps you to prepare....I only did that once with Amy....it was almmost exactly 5 years befor she died. It was while I was working on a plate I was painting, for her, for our 25th anniversary as best friends.....I was having a hard time finding just the right words to put on it.....and the thought came to me.."what would I do??...what would I do if I lost Amy...?" I remember crying so hard it scared me...and I would never allow myself to to go there again.....I found just the right saying that day...."I can not imagine life without you"

It's been almost 2.5 years...and I still can't be alone for more than a few minutes without ending up a blubbering mess.....I still can not imagine life without her....

I carry her in my heart.....

In my heart of silver.....

and my heart of flesh........

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BUG !!!

Once again I wish I could be there to celebrate with you ! I am still hoping to make it down this summer ...so hopefully I can take ya out and do something special !! You are a great kid and everyone is so proud of you!

Over 2 years later....and I still catch myself saying..."I need to call Amy" I would give anything to hear her voice again.......echoing off the bathroom walls as she hid from her family so she could talk on the phone........My world will never be right without her........

I have heard that times heals all wounds......I wonder how much time? Cuz it still hurts to breath......

Yesterday .....would have been Amy's 35th Birthday...I would have called her and teased her about being OLD....and she would tease me right back about being older....and that fact that it was always going to be that way......

I made it through the day suprisingly well......because every time I thought of her...and everything in me wanted to cry....I would make myself think of something I loved about her, something that made me smile or laugh....she was very good at that. I did cry a few times but not like I ususally do.....I made a decision that I was not going to let myself wallow in the "woe is me" but feel gratitude because I had the honor of having her in my life...she added so much...and LAUGHTER was one of the biggest things.......I miss her more than words can say......

Embrace your memories. What we have once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes a part of us. - Helen Keller

Facing it alone....

This is a picture of a plate I did for Amy on our 25th anniversary.....and the card I got the picture from........This year would have been 32 years......The plate says...I can't imagine life without you...thanks you for being my friend. She has been gone 2 years and I still can't imagine a day without her...let alone a life time!

Monday is the day...and I will face it alone......I am not going to California this year because I chose to wait and go in June for her daughters 8th grade graduation......The saying misery loves company is true...there is something very comforting about knowing that the people around you truly understand the depth of your pain......I will miss seeing them.......but it is better so share a happy and proud occasion than a sad one........

717 days I have past....716 more than I thought I could handle........yet the number of days ahead seem staggering......I still can't wrap my mind around making it one day...let alone the rest of my life without this beautiful person.........

I came by today to see you
I had to let you know
If I knew the last time that I held you
was the last time
I'd have held you and never let go
It's kept me awake nights,
wondering Lie in the dark,
just asking why
I've always been told You won't be called home Until it's your time
I guess heaven was needing a hero
Somebody just like you
Brave enough to stand up
For what you believe
And follow it through
When I try to make it make sense in my mind
The only conclusion I come to
Is heaven was needing a hero
Like you
I remember the last time I saw you
You held your head up proud
I laughed inside
When I saw how you were standing out in the crowd
You're such a part of who I am
Now that part will just be void
No matter how much I need you now
Heaven needed you more
Cause heaven was needing a hero
Somebody just like you
Brave enough to stand up
For what you believe
And follow it through
When I try to make it make sense in my mind
The only conclusion I come to
Is heaven was needing a hero
Like you
Heaven was needing a hero and that's you

Daisies remind me of Amy....they are sweet , simple, unpretentious,beautiful and where ever they are they make the world seem brighter......

I can not believe I have made it 2 years without hearing her laugh..........I'll never stop missing her......

It's coming.....and no matter how hard I try....it feels like time is zipping past me...like I am the kid in the slide zooming down and I can not stop......I am only few short weeks from the anniversary of the last time I talked to her.....One thing I am so thankful for...is I can still hear her voice...I was afraid it would fade with time...but it is still so clear..........Then in a little over a month it will be 2 years since my world changed forever.........I am amazed everyday that I have made it this far........

I fell honored to have known her......

I feel lucky to have had such a close friend....

I treasure every moment and memory we had together.......

She is a part of who I am....and she lives on in my heart and in my memory.......

I will love her and miss her till the day I die.........