Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death.......

It has a whole new meaning to me now.....I used to read that and think it was talking about the time when we are facing death(our own).....But I can see it clearly now.....because I am there.....there is no way out.... without alot of hard work... and the death itself has cast a shadow over everything.....making everything dark......taking the color out of everything......making everything cold and lifeless....... At first it was pitch black and nothing could be seen but the dark, now its a dark grey...I can see the outline of the mountains that surround this valley.....so I know there is light beyond those mountains. But it's still hard to move...its hard to find the path and there are lots of rocks and deep holes in my way.......and every step seems to hurt and take every last bit of energy I have.....But I know I must keep moving because there are things here that want to eat me alive...their names are despair and anger and death......they seem to naw at me or bite me when ever I stop, or fall into a hole, or trip ......I must keep moving but there are some days its seems it would be easier to stop.

God says that His word is a lamp unto my feet ......but anger often blows out that light. Sometimes I am so mad at God, why didn't he save her?? He knew how much she meant to me......I have to keep in mind though that His ways are not ours . He can see the picture being painted better than we can....we just have to trust Him. But that can be really hard when your in the dark........

Amy was my life line to sanity. I could call her day or night ...and vent ...and she of course was always on my side..which helps alot!! She always knew how to calm me down and help me look at the brighter side. Now...I must say......you never know just how much you depend on someone until you dont have them......and sanity is becomeing a fond memory......

The holidays have been hard. I don't know what I expected.....But it all seems so empty. What's funny about that is the Amy lived in California...it's not like I got to see her everyday. Though 'I' was her Christmas present for the last few years...... I can't even begin to imagine what it's like for her family....all I get from her husband (being a typical man) is "oh were fine...everybodys fine" But I know they aren't. Amy was the glue , the center , the heart of it all......Part of me wishes more than anything that I could be down there...helping...or just being there. I feel like I am failing her....but I can't even seem to help myself .....so how can I help them?
I keep asking her to forgive me......

Today I was sittin in the recliner relaxing because I had a pretty rotten day...I was just dozeing off when the phone rang....I answered....And the voice at the other end say "Hey there, how are you" and I just stopped....I held my breath and couldnt speak....for a few moments my head swam...I thought it was Amy.....finially the woman on the other end said who she was and continued to talk.........it has really sent me reeling tonight....What I wouldnt give to call her.......