Dreams

In my dreams Amy is alive..... At least for the last few months...Before that I never slept deep enough to even have a dream..... now having her there makes me want to sleep alot.....Until last night. I had my first dream where in the dream she was dead......I awoke from a deep sleep sobbing...my pillow wet and snot...well you can imagine......Does this mean I am finally accepting her death?? I am afraid to go to sleep tonight.......it feels like I am losing the last place that I could go to be with her......

I am amazed that even now....over a year later.....I keep thinking..."I need to call Amy" and then I catch myself.....I don't know how I can forget that she's gone...when there is this constant ache.......I think I must shut out the truth in order to get through the day....because all it takes is a thought of her and I can't breath...... I know that Amy would hate the fact that her memory brings me so much pain....and there are times when I remember something she did...or I can hear her say something.....and smile or laugh..but the crash after....when I realize that I'll never see her again...........well its still like getting run over by a train......