Well...I made it.... wasn't sure I would. But it's official now....she has been gone a year....some how it feels like she has taken a step farther away........

I think I am still stuck in the denial phase....I know that can't be good after a year....but every time I spend more than a moment thinking about her not being here...everything...and I MEAN EVERYTHING within me starts screaming NO! NO! NO! over and over...I used to think people were being dramatic when they would cry and wale, and moan...but now I understand......If I let out more than just a little at a time...it turns into this deep , uncontrollable sobbing. It was probably a good thing I wasn't there when it happened , I would have been one of those people who refused to let go....I remember thinking...she's alone..she's all alone in that morgue..and wanting to be there with her.

It's been a year and I still cry myself to sleep asking God how I will make it through another day without her in it, and I wake up each morning praying it was all a nightmare.....

The first of many trials

Today is the anniversary of the day I met Amy 31years ago...this picture was taken on her 5th birthday...she's is the one in the very center I am the one on the left at the back..the one wearing sneakers with a dress. By this time we had already been friends for 2 years.....

The next few weeks will be hard, first there is today...then Sunday comes the 1 st anniversary of her death....then on the 6th would have been her 34th birthday...a few days later mothers day...and about a week later would have been her 15th wedding anniversary......

I miss her everyday.....Pray for me as the stress is manifesting in the form of "stress rashes" headaches, stomach aches, sleeplessness...ect. Not to mention the sudden outburst(and I MEAN outburst) of tears at odd moments that lead me to run from the store or where ever I might be at the moment.

I can't believe it's been a year!! It feels like forever since I have talked to her...and only yesterday that I heard the words that torn my very soul in half.........

I am back.....

This is Lizzy and Gage....


I am back from visiting Amy's family...and it was truly bitter sweet. I love her family...but it is so hard to see them without her...and hurting. Amy was incredibly close to her family, her mother and her did things together and spoke daily...they are BIG on tradition and have tons of family get togethers!!! They are always laughing. The laugher isn't completely gone but it's a lot quitter now.....

Being there was difficult, I kept expecting her to come around a corner, but she never did. Lizzy laughs just like Amy and it makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time!!! It hurts to watch her mom and her kids and her husband struggling without her........ Before this I thought I knew what it was to lose someone, I have lost more than a few close people , but this is so different. I sometimes wonder if I will ever be more than ok again.......

I thought I could share more.....but I just can't....not yet....

Well...I made it through the 28th with no major break downs. I kept myself busy and went out to dinner and a movie with a few close friends. The next hurdle will be next week when I go back for the first time since last year to see her family. Don't get me wrong I love them all dearly.....but I feel like I have really failed Amy in this area. I haven't kept in contact like I should have, if it were completely up to me , I would have moved down there to help out. But that is unrealistic, I can't uproot my family and leave other family behind that need me......But I still feel I should have done more. I should have spoke at her funeral, but I was doing good just to be there...I fully expected to get hauled away in a little white coat to visit a padded room.......still even now from time to time I think I hear the rumbling of the paddy wagon coming to take me away.......So pray for US -Tawni is going with me and I know it won't be easy for her either.....She has been my rock...she holds me when I cry, and runs for the tissue......I don't know what I would do without her.....