Well...I made it.... wasn't sure I would. But it's official now....she has been gone a year....some how it feels like she has taken a step farther away........
I think I am still stuck in the denial phase....I know that can't be good after a year....but every time I spend more than a moment thinking about her not being here...everything...and I MEAN EVERYTHING within me starts screaming NO! NO! NO! over and over...I used to think people were being dramatic when they would cry and wale, and moan...but now I understand......If I let out more than just a little at a time...it turns into this deep , uncontrollable sobbing. It was probably a good thing I wasn't there when it happened , I would have been one of those people who refused to let go....I remember thinking...she's alone..she's all alone in that morgue..and wanting to be there with her.
It's been a year and I still cry myself to sleep asking God how I will make it through another day without her in it, and I wake up each morning praying it was all a nightmare.....
1 comment:
Sundee-
I have been reading through your Amy blog and I just wanted to say i am proud of you. I know that may sound strange but you are doing such a great job at grieving and giving Amy a "life" through your love for her. The second anniversary of my brothers death was March 22nd. I got through it and then melted down the next day. Grief is an amazing thing. Totally unpredictable and at times consuming. In reading a number of your posts I recall you mentioning that you don't know how you will ever get back to being whole again. I remember feeling that. I remember feeling that going back to who I was before my brother died would be an injustice. His death changed me- it was that simple. I hate the fact that with each passing year he gets farther away. I have also come to realize that he is in heaven and a part of me is in heaven with him. Somedays I feel closer to him than ever before because we are no longer separated by physical miles. I can feel his presence, hear his voice, imagine him laughing at me and I feel close to him again. I talk to him all the time. Sometimes I swear he talks back. Perhaps it is just that I know what he would say if he could. With each day comes the concious choice to embrace your life or to waste it. I am glad you are taking time to grieve for Amy. Your life will never be the same. But, love, joy, hope and laughter will slowly trickle back into it. It sounds like Amy was a little sassy and that she loved life. Perhaps carrying on some of those attributes would be a living memorial to her. I just want you to know that I am praying for you. I know it hurts, I know it will never be the same, you have been forever changed. I also know God's grace is great. I pray you find more light in each coming day. I pray you honor Amy with a life well lived, I pray your heart is healed, I pray you see her again.
( I also pray you forgive me if this seems like a HUGE comment)
Best wishes-
Jenny V
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