Yesterday .....would have been Amy's 35th Birthday...I would have called her and teased her about being OLD....and she would tease me right back about being older....and that fact that it was always going to be that way......

I made it through the day suprisingly well......because every time I thought of her...and everything in me wanted to cry....I would make myself think of something I loved about her, something that made me smile or laugh....she was very good at that. I did cry a few times but not like I ususally do.....I made a decision that I was not going to let myself wallow in the "woe is me" but feel gratitude because I had the honor of having her in my life...she added so much...and LAUGHTER was one of the biggest things.......I miss her more than words can say......

Embrace your memories. What we have once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes a part of us. - Helen Keller

Facing it alone....

This is a picture of a plate I did for Amy on our 25th anniversary.....and the card I got the picture from........This year would have been 32 years......The plate says...I can't imagine life without you...thanks you for being my friend. She has been gone 2 years and I still can't imagine a day without her...let alone a life time!

Monday is the day...and I will face it alone......I am not going to California this year because I chose to wait and go in June for her daughters 8th grade graduation......The saying misery loves company is true...there is something very comforting about knowing that the people around you truly understand the depth of your pain......I will miss seeing them.......but it is better so share a happy and proud occasion than a sad one........

717 days I have past....716 more than I thought I could handle........yet the number of days ahead seem staggering......I still can't wrap my mind around making it one day...let alone the rest of my life without this beautiful person.........

I came by today to see you
I had to let you know
If I knew the last time that I held you
was the last time
I'd have held you and never let go
It's kept me awake nights,
wondering Lie in the dark,
just asking why
I've always been told You won't be called home Until it's your time
I guess heaven was needing a hero
Somebody just like you
Brave enough to stand up
For what you believe
And follow it through
When I try to make it make sense in my mind
The only conclusion I come to
Is heaven was needing a hero
Like you
I remember the last time I saw you
You held your head up proud
I laughed inside
When I saw how you were standing out in the crowd
You're such a part of who I am
Now that part will just be void
No matter how much I need you now
Heaven needed you more
Cause heaven was needing a hero
Somebody just like you
Brave enough to stand up
For what you believe
And follow it through
When I try to make it make sense in my mind
The only conclusion I come to
Is heaven was needing a hero
Like you
Heaven was needing a hero and that's you

Daisies remind me of Amy....they are sweet , simple, unpretentious,beautiful and where ever they are they make the world seem brighter......

I can not believe I have made it 2 years without hearing her laugh..........I'll never stop missing her......

It's coming.....and no matter how hard I try....it feels like time is zipping past me...like I am the kid in the slide zooming down and I can not stop......I am only few short weeks from the anniversary of the last time I talked to her.....One thing I am so thankful for...is I can still hear her voice...I was afraid it would fade with time...but it is still so clear..........Then in a little over a month it will be 2 years since my world changed forever.........I am amazed everyday that I have made it this far........

I fell honored to have known her......

I feel lucky to have had such a close friend....

I treasure every moment and memory we had together.......

She is a part of who I am....and she lives on in my heart and in my memory.......

I will love her and miss her till the day I die.........

I was thinking the other day that.....it should be better now that Christmas is over.....maybe it won't hurt so much now that the holiday's are gone....but then I realized.........there is not a month ......not even one that doesn't have an Amy "Holiday" ...you know...like January is Lizzy Birthday, Feb. is her husband Shannon's Birthday...... and the list goes on......every month has this HUGE reminder that she's not here! It's like there is this BIG gaping black hole where she should be......I can not imagine how it is for her family.....without her there everyday.......she was such a huge part of everything..........I MISS HER.......

The Amy bear.......

I just received a package from Amy's family......it included this bear.....it is made from one of Amy's nightgowns....Amy's mom had these bears made by a friend of her's for Lizzy, Aunt Sally,& Me......I thought it was an awesome idea........A little piece of her to hold when I need to cry......which is often......... Thanks Sue! I will treasure it forever!

Our Lizzy turns 14!!

HAPPY 14th BIRTHDAY LIZZY~~!!!!!

I can not believe it has been 14 years !!!!! Where the heck does time go??? Lizzy I hope you have an awesome birthday ! You are a sweet , funny girl with so much of your mom in you. You add alot of fun and life where ever you go. You potty trained my daughter and for that I am eternally grateful !!! We are all very proud of you ! I know that life has not been fun or easy....but like your momma you are a strong girl and will do great things in this life if you put your mind to it!

P.S. I know it wasn't today but I have been having computer problems !! So I just went ahead and put it on now !! LOVE YOU GIRL !!!!

Ghost of Christmas past........

Have you ever been "the gift"? For the last two years of Amy's life...I was her Christmas present. This picture was taken at the airport as I was getting ready to return to Seattle....this was the last time I ever saw her.......

Never take people for granted....never assume you will have another chance to say I love you...or give a hug........ or make things right for something stupid you might have said or did......You never realize how big the hole will be without that person ......you can never imagine the depth of the pain losing that person will bring.......

I would give up every gift ever given to me...or ever to be given to me......just to have her back....come to think of it ...there isn't much of anything I wouldn't give up........

Sue...Liz.....I wish I could be there to hug you....I know without her there is a big empty space that can't be filled......

Depression is my demon. It's the thing I struggle with most in life.......Amy was my rocks that gave me strength, something to hold on to when the waves were crashing in around me.....now that she is gone.....especially during the holidays......the sadness is overwhelming...... I feel paralyzed by it......I find myself sitting...staring off into nothing for long periods of time...and my body feels like a lead weight......I can't move...even if I wanted to..........Of course this means not much is gettin done around my house.....and with all the extra holiday stuff....I am drowning......my husband is mad cuz I can't seem to keep up with anything....which adds to my guilt and depresses me even more.......Please pray for me and for her family...I know they are all struggling as well......Amy was an amazing person.....I don't know how to move through this world without her......I still can't wrap my brain around her not being her......ever......

I really hoped.....

I really hoped that this year would be eaiser......but it's not.
The only thing I want for Christmas is to hear her voice, to laugh with her again.....She could always make me laugh.....








And yes...the picture is me.....wasn't doing any better that day either.....probably because I had another year befor I met Amy......Or maybe it was the clothes!! Those pants make me want to cry right now!!

Thanksgiving.....

I am thankful for the time I had with her.
I am thankful I could call her not only a friend, but family.
I am thankful I had a friend who could leave such a whole......(cuz some people don't)
Though I miss her every moment of every day...I am thankful ...and would not trade it for the world!




When I was little....every year till I was about 12 and we moved away.....I would eat at my house..then run over to Amy's Grandma's house and eat again !! It was always filled with family and food (of course) and lots of laughter! I never felt out of place....like a pig maybe...but never out of place!

Regrets.....

15 years ago today I eloped with my wonderful husband Jim.....and in doing so created one of my deepest regrets. We got engaged and married two weeks later....mainly because of Jims work situation -he was taking on a new position that wouldn't allow him time off for at least a year ! And we didn't want to wait that long...then there was family issues.....anyways alot of clutter and pressure got in the way so we decided "heck with it - lets just go do it!" So we did......and I couldn't get a hold of Amy, plus I could not afford to fly her up and she had just gotten married as well.....I can make all the excuses but it all comes down to Amy was not in my wedding.....and I have regretted it everyday since...... I know she forgave me...but I have yet to forgive myself....... I have a hard time even looking at my wedding pictures without wanting to cry ............

I still feel like there is a dam inside me.....that only a little water gets over the dam every day....but the pressure is still there.....I know Amy would not like the fact that I can hardly even think of her without bursting into tears......I know that she would rather I forgot about her completely than to cry every time I think of her......There is still a voice in my head that starts frantically saying "NO ,NO, NO...its not true......." She would want us to remember her and smile........I hope someday I can honor her in that way........


Twice THIS month I have had to face a horrible death.....and it brings back that initial pain that sent me screaming to the floor.........Pray that I will be able to help the families ....and not become to consumed by my own pain......

Not many.......

Not many people have a friend like Amy....
Someone who's been around so long ...you can't remember a time without them.....
Someone who can tell what your thinking by looking at you....
Someone you just always get along with.........
Someone who likes the same kinds of things...places and people....
Someone who would share everything...and never ask for anything in return.....
Someone who can make you laugh no matter what the problem is.....
Someone you feel like half a person without!

Not many people have lost someone like Amy.....

I know because they tell me I should be "over" it by now....
They tell me to let go........Move on......

That is how I know they have never had an "Amy" in their lives...or if they have one...they have not lost them yet........

It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to.......

I was awaken this morning by a phone call from Amy's daughter and mother, wishing me a happy birthday. It was great to hear from them...but it broke down what I call my morning resolve..I am usually more able to handle the sadness in the morning....and through the day I get weaker and weaker...then at night I usually totally break down.....cry myself to sleep more often than not.

Today, I will miss the yearly Garfield card and Amy calling to rub in the fact that she was younger than me and always would be...... I will miss her voice and the sound of her laughter....

I miss her......every minute.