Thursday, November 17, 2005

Just after Amy died...my mom made a comment that has stuck with me...she said " thinking of you without Amy is like thinking of you without your spine, I just can't imagine you without her in your life..she's just always been a part of you."

You'll have to be patient with me here.....its so hard to think...without crying and wanting to scream......I feel like there is all this pain dammed up inside of me.....and I can only let a little go at a time....if I let to much out..the dam might break....and the results will be devistating. But at the same time..I know if I dont let a little out every now and then that the sheer pressure behind the dam will take it down.....I wish I could control the when and where it will let go though......my poor daughter....she has been a rock for me...she always comes running when she hears me cry....she's held me through many a break down.....Then theres poor Jim...I am sure he is at a complete loss when it comes to me.....we were watching a movie the other night called "we were soliders" with Mel Gibson about vietnam and when it came to the scene with all the wives getting the notices that thier husband had been killed i lost it....I mean I have cried at movies in the past..but I really lost it.......it took me right back to that phone call.......

I better go....I've been crying and head and eyes ache.......
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2 comments:

Kristina said...

Hey Sundee, first of all, I want you to know that I agree with Jaime from the earlier post. It takes a lot of courage for you to be so open about your pain, and I thank you for your honesty.

I've never personally lost a close friend. I've lost all of my grandparents now, and that was certainly very difficult. But when people are old, it is many times easier to accept, because when they're old, it is expected.

I know that was part of the reason why I was so devistated from the loss of our dear baby Josiah. He was an infant, and was supposed to be at the beginning of his life, we weren't at all prepared to have him leave us so early. And we mourned, deeply. It was unexpected, and left us broken. God has done such a tremndous amount of healing, but we will never be whole again.

And so with Amy, I know that you feel as though you have been cheated. Because she was still young. And because it was so very unexpected. I think that's part of the reason your grief has many times seemed unbearable. You were'nt ready to say goodbye. You weren't expecting to say goodbye...at least not for many years to come.

I know what it is to grieve. There were times where I felt consumed with sorrow. Like I couldn't breathe, like I wanted to scream out, at the top of my lungs. And I surely would have thrown in the towel, if it had not been for our sweet Savior, Jesus.

And so I want to tell you this; when you feel like you can't go on, cry out to Jesus. When you feel like you are being swallowed alive by despair, cry out to Jesus. Cry out to Jesus Sundee, cry out to Jesus. For He is the only one strong enough to hold you up... and He will never let you go

9:19 PM
Bickler3 said...

Thanks for all your nice thoughts.....it has helped some to get all this stuff out....and I agree with you Kris when people are old...it hurts but it is expected...I have already lost 4 "grandparents" all of whom I was close to...but they have lived a full life .....Amy was always sappose to be here.....and I just can wrap my brain around life without her....

2:05 PM

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