Ghost of Christmas past........

Have you ever been "the gift"? For the last two years of Amy's life...I was her Christmas present. This picture was taken at the airport as I was getting ready to return to Seattle....this was the last time I ever saw her.......

Never take people for granted....never assume you will have another chance to say I love you...or give a hug........ or make things right for something stupid you might have said or did......You never realize how big the hole will be without that person ......you can never imagine the depth of the pain losing that person will bring.......

I would give up every gift ever given to me...or ever to be given to me......just to have her back....come to think of it ...there isn't much of anything I wouldn't give up........

Sue...Liz.....I wish I could be there to hug you....I know without her there is a big empty space that can't be filled......

Depression is my demon. It's the thing I struggle with most in life.......Amy was my rocks that gave me strength, something to hold on to when the waves were crashing in around me.....now that she is gone.....especially during the holidays......the sadness is overwhelming...... I feel paralyzed by it......I find myself sitting...staring off into nothing for long periods of time...and my body feels like a lead weight......I can't move...even if I wanted to..........Of course this means not much is gettin done around my house.....and with all the extra holiday stuff....I am drowning......my husband is mad cuz I can't seem to keep up with anything....which adds to my guilt and depresses me even more.......Please pray for me and for her family...I know they are all struggling as well......Amy was an amazing person.....I don't know how to move through this world without her......I still can't wrap my brain around her not being her......ever......

I really hoped.....

I really hoped that this year would be eaiser......but it's not.
The only thing I want for Christmas is to hear her voice, to laugh with her again.....She could always make me laugh.....








And yes...the picture is me.....wasn't doing any better that day either.....probably because I had another year befor I met Amy......Or maybe it was the clothes!! Those pants make me want to cry right now!!

Thanksgiving.....

I am thankful for the time I had with her.
I am thankful I could call her not only a friend, but family.
I am thankful I had a friend who could leave such a whole......(cuz some people don't)
Though I miss her every moment of every day...I am thankful ...and would not trade it for the world!




When I was little....every year till I was about 12 and we moved away.....I would eat at my house..then run over to Amy's Grandma's house and eat again !! It was always filled with family and food (of course) and lots of laughter! I never felt out of place....like a pig maybe...but never out of place!

Regrets.....

15 years ago today I eloped with my wonderful husband Jim.....and in doing so created one of my deepest regrets. We got engaged and married two weeks later....mainly because of Jims work situation -he was taking on a new position that wouldn't allow him time off for at least a year ! And we didn't want to wait that long...then there was family issues.....anyways alot of clutter and pressure got in the way so we decided "heck with it - lets just go do it!" So we did......and I couldn't get a hold of Amy, plus I could not afford to fly her up and she had just gotten married as well.....I can make all the excuses but it all comes down to Amy was not in my wedding.....and I have regretted it everyday since...... I know she forgave me...but I have yet to forgive myself....... I have a hard time even looking at my wedding pictures without wanting to cry ............

I still feel like there is a dam inside me.....that only a little water gets over the dam every day....but the pressure is still there.....I know Amy would not like the fact that I can hardly even think of her without bursting into tears......I know that she would rather I forgot about her completely than to cry every time I think of her......There is still a voice in my head that starts frantically saying "NO ,NO, NO...its not true......." She would want us to remember her and smile........I hope someday I can honor her in that way........


Twice THIS month I have had to face a horrible death.....and it brings back that initial pain that sent me screaming to the floor.........Pray that I will be able to help the families ....and not become to consumed by my own pain......

Not many.......

Not many people have a friend like Amy....
Someone who's been around so long ...you can't remember a time without them.....
Someone who can tell what your thinking by looking at you....
Someone you just always get along with.........
Someone who likes the same kinds of things...places and people....
Someone who would share everything...and never ask for anything in return.....
Someone who can make you laugh no matter what the problem is.....
Someone you feel like half a person without!

Not many people have lost someone like Amy.....

I know because they tell me I should be "over" it by now....
They tell me to let go........Move on......

That is how I know they have never had an "Amy" in their lives...or if they have one...they have not lost them yet........

It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to.......

I was awaken this morning by a phone call from Amy's daughter and mother, wishing me a happy birthday. It was great to hear from them...but it broke down what I call my morning resolve..I am usually more able to handle the sadness in the morning....and through the day I get weaker and weaker...then at night I usually totally break down.....cry myself to sleep more often than not.

Today, I will miss the yearly Garfield card and Amy calling to rub in the fact that she was younger than me and always would be...... I will miss her voice and the sound of her laughter....

I miss her......every minute.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GAGE !!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BUG !!!

This is gage at his Tae Kwon Do class..he is very good !! They wouldn't let me take pictures with my camera...I think because its to distracting for the kids....but being the rebel I am I snuck one with my cell phone !!

I hope you have a great birthday !!! You are a great little man, your family is so proud of you !

I wish I could be there to celebrate with you , Know that I am there in my heart ! Love YA !!

Should be......

This should be one of the happiest times of my life, we are buying our first home, something we have wanted for a very long time........But, since I first heard they accepted our offer a sadness has haunted me .......I cried because I wanted so bad to call her.....she was always tellin me we needed to settle down...quit moving....she quit writing my address in pen......cuz she knew it would be changing before the ink could dry. She would be so excited.......I always promised her that she would be my first house guest ! She always said she wouldn't believe I actually bought a house tell she could see the place (and the paperwork to prove it! ) for herself !!! I am hoping I can talk her mom into coming up and bringing the kids.....I think Amy would like that.....I miss her so much.......

I miss her so much.....there is a gaping hole where she used to be.......I have not posted much lately...I have been trying to find new ways to dull the ache that haunts me night and day...I thought maybe if I took a break and didn't post.....put away all the pictures, except the one I have in my locket that I wear around my neck.......I hoped it would help me to not think of her so much .........But alas ...it didn't work.

I did find out something interesting from my doctor.....I have been sick more this year than I have in the last 5 yrs combined and I was again calling him to see if I could get a refill for one of my many aliments....and we chatted for a moment ......He ran across some studies that show when a person goes through a sudden tragedy......that the brain reacts in the same way it does for someone who has had a sever head injury......so I am not going crazy as I supposed...... The doctor of course would like to put me back on anti-depressants...but I can no go there again!! I will just have to fight this one through......

Dreams

In my dreams Amy is alive..... At least for the last few months...Before that I never slept deep enough to even have a dream..... now having her there makes me want to sleep alot.....Until last night. I had my first dream where in the dream she was dead......I awoke from a deep sleep sobbing...my pillow wet and snot...well you can imagine......Does this mean I am finally accepting her death?? I am afraid to go to sleep tonight.......it feels like I am losing the last place that I could go to be with her......

I am amazed that even now....over a year later.....I keep thinking..."I need to call Amy" and then I catch myself.....I don't know how I can forget that she's gone...when there is this constant ache.......I think I must shut out the truth in order to get through the day....because all it takes is a thought of her and I can't breath...... I know that Amy would hate the fact that her memory brings me so much pain....and there are times when I remember something she did...or I can hear her say something.....and smile or laugh..but the crash after....when I realize that I'll never see her again...........well its still like getting run over by a train......

This was Amy and I at her wedding.(duh) It was 15yrs ago today. This was one of our favorite pictures. Keep her husband Shannon in your prayers I am sure this is a hard day for him....

Happy Birthday Amy!!

Today she would have been 34. Today is a good day...even though it's a hard one right now.....On this day 34 years ago God blessed us with this wonderful person. A person who could make me laugh, shared selflessly, always saw the best in people, she was my rock and the best friend I could have ever asked for......I miss her everyday....

Well...I made it.... wasn't sure I would. But it's official now....she has been gone a year....some how it feels like she has taken a step farther away........

I think I am still stuck in the denial phase....I know that can't be good after a year....but every time I spend more than a moment thinking about her not being here...everything...and I MEAN EVERYTHING within me starts screaming NO! NO! NO! over and over...I used to think people were being dramatic when they would cry and wale, and moan...but now I understand......If I let out more than just a little at a time...it turns into this deep , uncontrollable sobbing. It was probably a good thing I wasn't there when it happened , I would have been one of those people who refused to let go....I remember thinking...she's alone..she's all alone in that morgue..and wanting to be there with her.

It's been a year and I still cry myself to sleep asking God how I will make it through another day without her in it, and I wake up each morning praying it was all a nightmare.....

The first of many trials

Today is the anniversary of the day I met Amy 31years ago...this picture was taken on her 5th birthday...she's is the one in the very center I am the one on the left at the back..the one wearing sneakers with a dress. By this time we had already been friends for 2 years.....

The next few weeks will be hard, first there is today...then Sunday comes the 1 st anniversary of her death....then on the 6th would have been her 34th birthday...a few days later mothers day...and about a week later would have been her 15th wedding anniversary......

I miss her everyday.....Pray for me as the stress is manifesting in the form of "stress rashes" headaches, stomach aches, sleeplessness...ect. Not to mention the sudden outburst(and I MEAN outburst) of tears at odd moments that lead me to run from the store or where ever I might be at the moment.

I can't believe it's been a year!! It feels like forever since I have talked to her...and only yesterday that I heard the words that torn my very soul in half.........

I am back.....

This is Lizzy and Gage....


I am back from visiting Amy's family...and it was truly bitter sweet. I love her family...but it is so hard to see them without her...and hurting. Amy was incredibly close to her family, her mother and her did things together and spoke daily...they are BIG on tradition and have tons of family get togethers!!! They are always laughing. The laugher isn't completely gone but it's a lot quitter now.....

Being there was difficult, I kept expecting her to come around a corner, but she never did. Lizzy laughs just like Amy and it makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time!!! It hurts to watch her mom and her kids and her husband struggling without her........ Before this I thought I knew what it was to lose someone, I have lost more than a few close people , but this is so different. I sometimes wonder if I will ever be more than ok again.......

I thought I could share more.....but I just can't....not yet....

Well...I made it through the 28th with no major break downs. I kept myself busy and went out to dinner and a movie with a few close friends. The next hurdle will be next week when I go back for the first time since last year to see her family. Don't get me wrong I love them all dearly.....but I feel like I have really failed Amy in this area. I haven't kept in contact like I should have, if it were completely up to me , I would have moved down there to help out. But that is unrealistic, I can't uproot my family and leave other family behind that need me......But I still feel I should have done more. I should have spoke at her funeral, but I was doing good just to be there...I fully expected to get hauled away in a little white coat to visit a padded room.......still even now from time to time I think I hear the rumbling of the paddy wagon coming to take me away.......So pray for US -Tawni is going with me and I know it won't be easy for her either.....She has been my rock...she holds me when I cry, and runs for the tissue......I don't know what I would do without her.....

Amy loved to go camping!! Her family made a trip to Donner lake every year for a week of dirt, bugs and cold mornings!! I have so many camping stories..I would even begin to try to tell them all here, I just mention it to say that Amy and her family were very stable. They loved spending time with friends and family and every opportunity to do so...they did !! They have lots of tradition ! My family on the other hand was the opposite......I found myself running to Amy's house even on holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas....... When I moved away at 12 I felt lost! That's a good way to describe this last year....Lost. I miss her.

March 28th

March 28th, 2005 was the last time I would ever speak with Amy. We talked about my upcoming Mexico mission trip and a house that we thought we were going to be able to buy.......we talked for over 2 hours , we decided to wait to talk again until April 23rd, because I was coming home on a monday..and we knew we would have lots to talk about and Saturdays are free on my calling plan.We usually talked a couple of times a week, I could tell you where she was on most days...oh today is monday ..she is doing curves at 10, then she picks up Gage and goes for a slurpy....She was very predictable.....her life was constant. I think it was that stability that helped me so much. She was my rock, my life line to sanity....

I have kicked myself a million times for not calling her right when I got home, because it was Saturday the 23rd of April, when she died suddenly of a grand mal seizure. I have cried everyday...without fail since then. Sometimes I wonder if the pain will ever end..I know it must as I watch my Grandmother carry on after losing my Grandfather almost 7years ago....they were together 55years. So I know there is hope....I can hear some of you saying "how can you compare a friend to a husband......??" All I can say is unless you have had a friendship like Amy and I had you won't understand. I know I was blessed with something that most people never get, and Amy knew things about me that even my husband and family have never known. If I believed in reincarnation I would say we must have been twins in another life. She is a part of who I am. I sometimes feel like I am withering away without her.......

So now that I am facing the 1 yr anniversary...I feel like its taking me a step farther from her.....Unfortunatly I am still flat on my face from that last unexpected step....I don't know how to let go of all this pain.....

Amy....

This was Amy at about 4 years old.....and this picture has always been one of my favorite pictures of her. Its a little blurry but it still shows her sassy side.... and also shows two of the things she loved...the sun and water....we were mermaid's her and I......I estimate we spent 90% of our summers in the water...anywhere we could find it !!


I will add more pictures later and try to write more about Amy...but its still so hard....I can't believe its been almost a year.....I can't believe I have made it that long without her in my life....

Happy 13th Birthday Lizzy!!!

Today is Lizzy's 13th Birthday !! Lizzy is Amy's daughter and her pride and joy! I remember when Amy first got pregnant...she wanted a girl so bad !! Amy had always been the Barbie QUEEN!! She loved dressing them ...and I suspected that was her reasoning for wanting a girl so bad!! I was right Lizzy was and is still on of the best dressed girl in town!! A year later I was lucky enough to have a girl of my own and we inherited so much of Lizzy's wardrobe that I didn't have buy anything for my own darling daughter for years !!! We were always grateful for that but I am even more grateful that while visiting us in Washington Lizzy helped me finally potty train Tawni !!! THANK YOU LIZZY !!!!


Lizzy is very outgoing , funny and fearless!!! Amy was always amazed and grateful for Lizzys outgoing personality !! She loved to see her daughter get out and dance, or sing in front of anyone and everyone !! Lizzy is always cracking a joke and making everyone laugh !! Lizzy has that special little something that sets her apart and lets you know that she is going to do great things !!

Lizzy I hope your 13th year is a great one !! We love you...we really really do !!

New Years Resolution...... To stop focusing on the pain and focus on the person that Amy was...All the dreams we shared. Looking back on my postings....I have been consumed by me...and what I am feeling.....and though the pain is still there...Amy would not want me to wallow in it. I am going to try with all my might to share the beauty that was Amy. So I can honor her and maybe someone will be inspired by her life and love.....I know there will still be MANY tears.....I need to pull myself together so I can be there for her family , especially her children. PLEASE .... Pray that I will have strength.......